Trigger Warning: Mention of suicide and suicidal thoughts
An episode has passed.
I thought I was really going to do it this time. I placed my dog near me so that I wouldn’t feel so alone. I was even holding his paw like I was really a dying person on her deathbed. Maybe I was. Maybe I have been dying. I said my prayers and my last messages to people who weren’t there. I desperately hoped that they would hear them because what I said were nice and momentous. I wanted to end it that way, to say wise words so that I’ll be remembered to be a person who said something awesome and wise before she went. I was just on my bed lying still. Motionless and almost not breathing.
I wanted to die without killing myself.
So, I was just there praying to the god of death to come find me and take me. I said I was ready and that I wish they would come by today so that I wouldn’t have to do it myself. I thought about it of course, how I would do it. I was imagining it. It was so vivid, step by step, in my head. Usually, I would just try to shake the thoughts away, but this time, I allowed it to linger longer than my sanity could handle. I was not afraid of the pain. I knew I would not be able to feel it. I just let these thoughts run through my mind wondering if anyone would be able to stop me.
I thought about texting my friends.
Hey, I’m having suicidal thoughts right now and I’m scared that I might do it for real this time. I thought I should let you know incase how things would go. Or can you please help me keep my off it until it passes.
I should have texted them.
I still feel blank. Like something just happened but I was not there. But I was there. It just didn’t feel like it. It has been a long time since a wave this severe came over me. I have been feeling down lately but I thought it was just the usual. I did not expect it to worsen this time.
I don’t know how to end this with a positive remark. I want to say some encouraging words. I want to say something that feels like a resolution or a redemption part in this story. I want to say that I will not let this affect me next time because I know it will. We never know how and in what manner it will come again.
But here’s an article about it that can hopefully help us see the light at the end of the tunnel because I am looking at it, the light. I can see it. I just don’t know how to get there.
Living With Passive Suicidal Thoughts by Sara Atiq
https://blog.usejournal.com/living-with-passive-suicidal-thoughts-f77c0129ceb4
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