Memories start rushing in again.
Overwhelming me once more of the emotions, words spoken, words left unsaid, shared silent moments that shouldn’t have given me the feeling that I fought so hard to get over with.
I stare at my ceiling and I remember how we watched the stars and how I felt so calm and contented on how you were just laying there beside me. I remember thinking in that moment, ‘this is all I need, right here’.
I close my eyes tightly as I try to shut the memory out. Panic begins to rise in my chest. I stopped breathing for three seconds.
I roll over and I remember how you were so close to me. Talking for hours about anything and everything. We didn’t even mind the time. I remember your smell and how it made my stomach turn and feel strange. Butterflies, they say. I remember looking into your eyes and how lost I was so in them. You were so good in saying things with your eyes and how they made me feel safe and warm. I reach out for the nothingness of you and I feel an ache in my chest because you are not near me anymore.
I look at the window and I remember how peaceful you looked in the passenger seat with the window down as you stare at something ahead or maybe you were thinking about something and just spaced out that you didn’t even mind the wind blowing your hair leaving it messy. My favorite song was playing and I was singing it with all my heart hoping that you were listening because the lyrics were the words I was so scared to tell you. You didn’t probably notice I was glancing at you.
In the darkness, I see the silouhette of a picture frame and I remember how I probably looked so stupid looking through our pictures together smiling absentmindedly as I tried to relive each picture. I remember how happy and giddy I would feel when you would get close to me and smile with your pretty cute smile and how excited I felt inside that another moment with you became immortalized by taking a photo of it.
1….2…..3…..I deleted most of them already.
I curled myself with my blanket tightly placed around me. I reached out for a pillow and hugged it so close to my body. I remember how you hugged me a little tighter and for a few seconds more when I told you about something bad that I was going through in my life that time. No words needed. It was all it took to help me calm down. I hugged the pillow tighter as I distract myself with other thoughts.
I want to cry just to let it all out. ‘Let it all out!’ I tell myself. But my tears were as coward as I am, refusing to show itself. My body is refusing to feel what it is supposed to be feeling and all it does when things go out of hand, just like tonight, is to numb itself.
It’s 1:44 and I feel numb and tired.
1….2…..3……I close my eyes once more hoping that sleep would come and get me.
Please come and get me.
That’s the thing. I prayed for someone like you. How could I let go easily of someone I prayed for? It’s a bit funny though, because it was too late when I realized that you were the one I was praying for. It was not exactly like in a romantic sense but I prayed for specfic qualities that I would like to have in a person that I could call my friend.
This person that I was praying for would save me from the oblivion that I was floating in. To save me from my demons. To save me from myself. It all happened so fast that I didn’t think that it would end so soon.
You have saved me.
At least that’s what I thought.
When all has ended and all that was left for me were memories, I recalled every detail that I could cling to for as long as I can. I recalled the person that you were to me. I even wrote about it on my journal.
I don’t usually read my old entries but one time I did. Guess what I found out? My state of mind was not good months before I met you and repeatedly, in different entries, I said that I felt so depressed and isolated and trapped and if only I could have friend that could listen to me without judgements, a friend that I could trust with all that I am.
It all came to me, the realization, that it was you all along. You were all those things to me. It’s such a shame that it was too late when I realized it. But there was another thing I realized.
You were an answered prayer, but came along with you was a lesson that I had to learn.
Indeed, I learned a lot. About life, about love, about myself. I wouldn’t have realized a lot of things if you weren’t in my life.
I need to stop asking God for someone that could save me. I thought you could save me, but all you did was to awaken me and have shown me how to save myself.
Don’t think too much. Be wise on your decisions but just flow with it. Don’t go against the current just because you think it makes you look stronger. Don’t choose to swim back to the shore just because you think it’s safer there. It is safer, indeed. But you are not here to watch the ocean as it glistens under the sun and forms these beautiful waves making a loud statement to the universe that it is not something to be messed with.
You are meant to experience it. Jump, swim and if you get tired, just float. The current will take you to places you’ve never been before. Feel the sun on your skin. Feel the sticky air that makes your hair difficult to deal with. No one would care anyway.
If you think that you are going the wrong way then swim into another direction. The ocean is vast. You can go anywhere you want to. Allow yourself to feel fear. That is normal. But don’t let it consume you. Feel it in every inch of your being but you have to rise above it. You have to make it your stepping stone.
They say that when you feel scared, that means you are about to do something great. Do those great things. Ask for help if you have to. Allow people to help you. They are your life jackets. Allow them to help you float. But make sure that you choose your life jackets well.
There will come a time that you have to let go of the life jacket and that you will have to swim on your own again. Let go. Another one will come along just in time when you would need it again.
Trust the ways of the ocean. It would not have existed for billions of years if it does not know what it’s doing.
This is how you must live.